Squib Seeking Squib
by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap
Summary: Come one, come all to the first annual Squib Valentine's Day Mixer! The perfect chance to meet your non-magical partner in life.


**Squib Seeking Squib**

There was nothing more Argus Filch hated than the holidays.

Oh sure he didn't like it when students tracked mud into the Great Hall or the students in _general_.

Then there were the Weasley's. He despised the entire lot of them with their ongoing practical jokes and their little shop with its knickknacks students bought. To think another batch would soon be at Hogwarts made his left eye twitch.

Still, the holidays were at the top of his long list. Christmas wasn't so bad since most of the students went home or were too preoccupied with their presents to wreak any real havoc. The anniversary of the second war wasn't too bad even though confetti was somehow always incorporated into the feast. Halloween was a doozy but then there was Valentine's Day. For one it wasn't even a _real_ holiday and Argus disliked the whole charade behind it. The cards, the candy and the idiotic boys who thought it would be a great laugh to send him singing telegrams or cupids to fling their arrows at him.

Yet there were things Argus liked in his life.

He enjoyed being the caretaker of Hogwarts even though he couldn't use his well-oiled chains and punish the students like he wanted too.

He liked his cat, Mrs. Norris.

Other cats.

Punishing students.

_Women_.

Yes, Argus Filch liked women even though the feeling wasn't necessary mutual.

"How do I look, my pretty?" he asked his cat who purred back in response.

He stared at himself in the mirror and tried to smile, revealing a few missing teeth and then pinched his grey sunken cheeks, trying to bring color to them. It was hopeless. _He_ was hopeless but if anything Argus was a fighter. He survived rejection from being a Hogwarts student. Rejection from society and his family for not being able to perform magic and from students who either cowered in fear at his appearance or threw stink bombs at him to 'freshen' and rile him up.

Argus lifted an arm and sniffed his armpit. He smelled oddly of menthol. He stared at himself again in the mirror and patted the grey scraggly pieces of hair he had left. As an afterthought he rummaged through his medicine cabinet and pulled out fish oil and dabbed it on his neck.

A woman that liked the smell of fish oil was the kind of woman he was looking for.

"Not too shabby, eh?" he said to himself. He was wearing a black suit because this was a special occasion but had decided against getting it tailored and left the unsightly patches and holes that seemed to appear everywhere.

Argus walked over to Mrs. Norris who was licking her paw. She moved her head away as he tried to pet her.

He grumbled. She had been giving him an attitude ever since he saw the ad in the _Prophet_. Since the second war wizards everywhere were trying to be more tolerant of each other. Instead of shunning muggleborns they embraced them. Squibs were surprisingly coming out of the shadows and joining magical society more. Argus couldn't stand it. He wasn't proud to be a squib and never met one content with their life. Yet, that ad could prove to be life changing.

He pulled it out of his pocket and unfolded the parchment, waving it at Mrs. Norris. Argus read it so many times he knew by heart what it said.

_**Squib Seeking Squib**_

_**Come one, come all to the first annual Squib Valentine's Day Mixer! The perfect chance to meet your non-magical partner in life. **_

_**(Refreshments will be served)**_

"Come on Nori," he said roughly. "Daddy is getting old. He needs someone to take care of you and him. The Headmistress is looking for reasons to force an early retirement."

Mrs. Norris ignored him and he groaned.

Fine, she could stay mad at him for the rest of the day but he would come back in triumph. Argus was convinced he was in the prime of his life. Sure the Headmistress was trying to get rid of him but he would never leave Hogwarts without kicking and screaming. Besides, Mrs. Norris had attachment issues and she needed a mother. Someone to care for her since Headmistress McGonagall could not be trusted.

He might have respected the woman but she too was on his _list_. When he asked her for the day off on Valentine's Day she was shocked and kept trying to weasel her way into finding out what he was doing, where he was going and who he was seeing.

He told her brooms were going on sale that day.

"You're the only lady in my life," he whispered to Mrs. Norris before limping towards the door. She purred as he reached it and slid next to his leg, rubbing her fur against him.

At least if the day didn't go as well as he thought he still had someone to come home to at night.

Argus rested on his cane as he entered the Hog's Head. It was a pathetic attempt by whoever was running this charade to decorate the room. There were cheap paper decorations hanging from the ceiling of pink and red hearts and baby cherubs. Someone must have asked a magical person to come inside because there were mini lips flying around the room. One buzzed by his ear and made a kissing noise as it landed on his cheek.

He grumbled and wiped at his now wet cheek examining the other squibs in the room. They were mostly over forty; some with silver hair and canes, the women outnumbered the men.

Good, the numbers were in his favor. Besides, some of the men didn't even _have_ hair. He hoped the little stringy strands he had left worked to his advantage and outweighed his sagging jowls.

Argus started limping over to a crowd standing near a punch bowl and heart shaped cookies that were either chocolate chip or burnt but before he could get there someone started banging a pot with a wooden spoon and yelling loudly.

"Alright squibs! Happy Valentine's Day! To get the ball rolling we're going to have a couple of rounds of what I like to call 'Meet Your Squib!' Men take one side, women take the other. Have a seat across from each other and you'll all have a minute to get to know the other. Come on now, hobble to an empty chair!"

Half of the room listened to the booming voice. The woman who was yelling and directing everyone to sit down was wearing bright pink dress robes and a hat with a stuffed hippogriff holding a heart that said, "Be Mine."

Argus hobbled to the men's side on the left and plopped down in a creaky old wooden chair across an older frail woman with red stained lips and poufy white hair.

"The clock starts now!"

She stared at him with a horrified expression on her face. He suddenly felt self-conscious and wondered if Mrs. Norris was right and this was a bad idea after all. They stared at each other in silence as everyone started speaking at once around them.

"Err…I'm Argus," he said feebly.

He thought maybe if he made an attempt to start a conversation things could work out. She turned her nose up at him and ignored him.

_Well,_ Argus thought, _she wasn't a looker herself_. What kind of proper woman owned magenta robes anyway?

Thankfully, a bell sounded from somewhere and the women were instructed to get up and go to the next seat.

Argus felt annoyed as the woman who had been sitting with him before sat down in the next seat and started excitedly talking to the man next to him.

What did he have that he didn't? He was clearly wearing a bad toupee.

"Well hello dearie! My name is Charlotte. It's so nice to meet you on this Valentine's Day! Well, I'll tell you I haven't had a valentine since I was a little girl."

Argus jumped in his seat and turned his head back to the new woman sitting across from him. Her voice had a distinct Southern accent and she wore a white bonnet on her head and a pale blue dress that stopped at her ankles revealing wrinkly legs. She had a soft face and brown eyes, along with snowy white hair.

He tried his best to give her a nice smile revealing his yellow teeth.

"I'm Argus. Nice to meet you?" he said it as if it was question because he still wasn't entirely sure.

She batted her eyes at him and giggled. A woman never giggled at him before. They usually laughed or snorted. He felt excitement fill him as he tried to think of what to say next.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Argus, we seem to only have thirty seconds left. What do you want to know?"

He paused and tried to think. What was the most important thing he was looking for in a woman? Looks didn't matter. Neither did brains. Being able to cook would be a plus but it wasn't a deal breaker. There was only one thing that mattered to him.

"Do you like cats?"

She smiled and for a moment it felt almost magical. That smile was for _him_. He felt giddy inside. Like a young schoolboy.

"I'm more of a dog person. I own two."

The excitement vanished and he crossed his arms together. That would not do.

It was useless. At this rate he wasn't going to meet anyone. Woman after woman rejected him. If they didn't like cats they didn't like his appearance. If they gave him a chance he felt they weren't compatible. It was like they were all the same. Too thin. Too vibrant. Too much for Argus Filch.

He sat hunched in his seat as the bell dinged and another woman sat down in front of him. She was tall and had a lot of girth to her. He tried not to stare as the curly grey haired woman struggled to sit down with her large behind. She wore a pearl necklace and matching pearl earrings. She sat with her hands on her lap clutching a small blue handbag as if someone was going to snatch if from her. Her beady eyes stared at Argus through gold round spectacles.

She pushed her spectacles to the brim of her nose and peered at him over them.

"Well then, I suppose you should start by telling me your name, you big pervert."

Her voice was thick. Her expression was stern.

"I'm Argus Filch," he said with a slight cough, "and if I'm a pervert what are you?"

She licked her lips silently. "We have a comedian here folks. Well Argus, I'm Ethel but my mooching children call me Big Mum-Mum. I'm a widower and was forced to come here by the woman who is running this event. Damn nosy neighbors."

Her voice was sharp and commanding as she spoke. Argus liked to think she wasn't too old of his league. Children he could deal with. She had to be in her sixties so they weren't that young. A dead husband was even better. It said she wasn't expecting much else besides companionship.

Plus, he liked the blue and purple dress she was wearing underneath a worn orange paisley apron. It said his attire didn't bother her if she wasn't worried about her own.

"Now Mr. Filch was it? What the hell do you do?"

Argus tried to sit up as straight as much as his hunchback would let him. She was a spitfire this one.

"I'm the caretaker up at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he said proudly. That was the only thing in his life he had to be proud of.

Her eyes shot open and she stared at him in amazement. Just then the bell rang but Ethel did not budge from her seat. She swiped her handbag at the woman next to her and shouted, "Don't you see we're talking here!"

His mood shifted as her brown eyes bore into his.

"You've been to Hogwarts?" she said with great interest.

He nodded. "I've been there since 1973. I was there for both wars and helped assist in the Great Battle of Hogwarts."

Argus silently hoped she didn't ask him to define assist. She didn't need to know _everything_ about him right off the bat.

"Well Mr. Argus," she said, voice softening, "tell me all about yourself and Hogwarts. Leave nothing out."

The bell dinged again and again and each time Ethel swatted each women with her bag that tried to get her to get up. Ten bells rang as Argus excitedly told her about his job and Hogwarts.

For the first time in a long time Argus Filch felt wanted and important.

With a grim look on his face Argus started the trek back to Hogwarts. A small piece of parchment with an address was burning a hole in his pocket. He told Ethel he _might_ owl her. At 'owl' the woman turned red and almost shrieked from excitement.

They talked to no one else at the party until the moderator, her nosy neighbor, demanded she spend her time socializing with others. Argus promptly left as the woman turned sour feigning interest in a man with a black toupee.

He laughed to himself. Fat chance the poor bloke had with his lady. _His_ lady. Argus Filch had a lady that he knew Mrs. Norris would approve of.

His mood shifted as he walked past couples that were holding hands in the street or kissing on benches. Maybe he wasn't destined for that kind of love. The one where you were out in public with your significant other and kissed them for everyone to see or gave them singing and dancing stuffed bears or chocolates so sweet they melted in your mouth to show just how much you cared.

He was so lost in his thoughts he walked right into a man and was ready to curse him out but stopped abruptly as he recognized the scar on his forehead.

"Mr. Filch, we're very sorry. Lily here wasn't paying attention to where she was walking."

The little girl rolled her green eyes. "_Daddy_, you walked into _him_."

Argus wanted to roll _his_ eyes in response. The long red hair and freckles made him cringe and his left eye began to twitch. She was part Weasley and part Potter, two deadly combinations he could not tolerate.

Maybe he would give Minerva what she wanted and retire.

"Mr. Filch, who are you?"

He said nothing and Harry looked nervously at him.

"He's the caretaker of Hogwarts. Now come on dear, let's go. Mr. Filch is a very busy man."

At 'Hogwarts,' the little girl got excited and smiled brightly at Argus who glared at her in response.

"I'm going to go to Hogwarts one day Mr. Filch! You'll see!"

"Lily—" Harry tugged at her arm and pulled her slowly away, giving Argus a sideways glance.

He didn't say anything but instead started to hobble off before his good mood was completely gone. Maybe he would send Ethel a letter right when he got to the castle. Describe the view from the Black Lake and then slip in if she would like to go to dinner one night.

"Wait!" A voice shouted behind him.

He didn't turn as he heard Harry shout his daughters name again. The little girl was once again in Argus's vision with a big smile on her face, revealing some missing teeth.

"Huh, what do you want?" he said gruffly.

She put her hand in her a small heart shaped bag she was carrying and pulled out a red rose.

"Here Mr. Filch, something to give to your special lady friend. Happy heart day!" The little girl quickly and gently wrapped her arms around him as much as she could, engulfing him in a hug and then ran off to her father.

Argus placed the flower in his lapel and watched her walk off, red hair swishing in the wind.

For the second time that day Argus Filch felt important. Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**** I really wanted to write a Filch story and I wanted to humanize him a little bit. I'm actually happy with how this story turned out. This was written for the Valentine's Day Challenge! Happy heart day everyone! :D**


End file.
